As Tom and Kelly Move Forward in Life, They Get Tangled in Deep Emotional Conflicts
Disagreements crop up
And as you can imagine, both childhood patterns “hook” into each other . . .
Kelly, the little girl who gets frustrated and angry, starts to get frustrated and angry. She’s not aware enough to see her pattern is going to trigger something in Tom.
Tom’s pattern is to withdraw in intense emotional conflict . . . and so he does.
Kelly feels she isn’t being heard as Tom withdraws, and all it does is make her angrier and more frustrated. She tries to get a response out of Tom, but she doesn’t. The closer she gets to him, the more she tries to knock on the door, the deeper he goes inside. He just withdraws, withdraws, withdraws, withdraws . . . because it’s his pattern.
Notice what is happening here . . .
Both Tom and Kelly are just acting out their patterns without even knowing they are doing so.
And this is just one pattern.
There are so many different types of patterns.
The good news is right now, you’re about to spot one of yours.
Then, you’ll learn how to dissolve it and bring back Intimacy, love, and connection to your relationship.
Try this simple 3-step exercise.
Are you ready?
Step 1: Spot One Pattern
Spend a few minutes and think about painful moments in your relationship.
Think about moments where you feel . . .
Out of control. Or you are very frustrated or outraged . . . Or sad.
The key thing here is to recognize the repeating pattern.
The way you find these patterns to be curious . . . almost like a detective.
Because they’re very different from your regular day-to-day interactions . . . where you feel relaxed, calm, and flowing with your life.
This is the first step. Try and identify one pattern now and then move to step 2.
Step 2: Withdraw blame.
This is a challenging one for most people.
You’ve got to withdraw the blame from your partner. Because usually what we do is say something like . . .
“If my partner did this, this and this, then everything would be okay.”
And of course, your partner has their own pattern they have to unwind and deal with.
So, yes, your partner may be acting in an unloving way.
They could be shouting at you, for example. But like you, they’re caught up in a childhood wounding pattern they’re unconscious of.
In fact — If you actually do the inner work with your own inner child, it will untangle your partner’s pattern as well. It’ll amaze you how this works!
Step 3: Identify and Comfort
Here you, the adult have to identify the vulnerable child in this pattern.
It will take some digging, and most people might find this bit a little tricky.
But not if you ask the right question.
Here’s the question to ask . . .
“What do I want from my partner?”
For example, let’s say you want your partner to be calmer in intense conflicts. You don’t want your partner to shout at you. You want them to speak with you in a very respectful manner.
Your partner probably is not willing. Why? Well, for one, they stuck in their own pattern. But you can actually connect with the little child inside of you that needs more respect, which is the key.
The little child inside needs more respect . . . needs more feeling of safety . . . needs more feeling of calmness.
You then give those qualities to your inner child.
Now, this is a process . . .
And in the beginning, it’s always best to not attempt this process while in a blown-up argument . . .
But when you’re by yourself and calmer.
As you do this over time, you will deeply continue to take care of your own wounded inner child . . . your most vulnerable place.
What you’re doing is the ultimate act of real deep self-love.
All sorts of wonders and natural gifts will open to you. . .
Because you are willing to take this courageous act
It’s not a simple magic fix. You will need an inner commitment and patience. This will help you break through any painful feelings . . . but the rewards truly are incredible!
The pattern might not suddenly disappear . . . but it will soften, and you will feel a better sense of awareness and love when the next argument happens.
But now you know what the inner child needs. In this example, it needs a feeling of safety, it desires respect, and it wants calmness.
Whatever it needs is what you give to yourself!
What you’ve just gone through might look simple. Most people will probably overlook it. But it has helped many struggling relationships have huge breakthroughs!
Let’s go through the steps again. First, identify one repeating emotional pattern. Acknowledge there must be some vulnerability inside of you. You haven’t fully healed from.
How do you find out what that vulnerability is?
You ask a question . . .
“How would I like my partner to really treat me?”
And then you nurture yourself with those qualities. Don’t wait for your partner to do it. You will be waiting for a very long time. You have to give your inner child those qualities.
If we could look inside the inner heart and self talk of anyone in a painful relationship pattern we would probably hear this. . .
“I just wish they’d (my partner ) would just understand and accept me as I am.”
So, here’s the punchline, it’s not your partner’s job to understand you, it’s your job to understand yourself.
The funny and deeply ironic thing is . . . the more you understand yourself, the more your partner will understand you . . . and appreciate you.
It’s such a crazy paradox . . .
And It’s quite a miracle in how it happens!
So It’s your job to understand yourself. And you have to understand the profound aspects of yourself . . . the vulnerable child in you. This is the doorway to your genius. It’s the doorway to your strength, your soul strength.
Did you know that once this inner wounded child is healed the doorway to your soul is opened?
It’s the doorway to how Theresa healed the tension in her relationships . . . with her husband and daughter . . .
- Step 1: First, identify one repeating emotional pattern.
- Step 2: Acknowledge the vulnerability inside of you linked to the pattern
- Step 3: Nurture yourself with qualities to heal the vulnerabilities